My name is Lillian - I am an alcoholic
To speak this sentence is powerful and rather symbolic
It took me awhile - didn't happen overnight
But today I sit before you - I speak without fright

For most of my life I've lived in the dark
I knew I was different - Somehow I was marked
I had feelings of revulsion, self-destruction and hate
My soul and my spirit suffered - I assumed it was my fate

Once in a while just a hint of pure delight
Would fill me with hope and give me a clear sight
But mostly my mind was too cluttered to cheer
Filled as it was with insecurity, doubt and fear

My personal experience is remotely amazing
I grew up alcoholic - It was in me - It didn't come blazing
My family was riddled with this frightening disease
I never had a chance - It brought me to my knees

My life was lived based on fear and anxiety alone
I was never enough - I came in short - My heart turned to stone
But inside I was suffering - I had neither spirit nor strength
I drank to have courage - yet, kept people at arm's length

When I came to this country I hoped for a new start
I came with a new husband - In my carry-on was a broken heart
You see, I once had a son who I chose to leave behind
I never felt worthy - I ran away - nearly lost my mind

I found relief from my pain in an already familiar bottle
I treasured the feeling - the sweet down hill throttle
I cut off emotions - drowned them in wine and in beer
On the outside I was fine - Inside filled with fear

My family missed out having a mother and a wife
The booze took me over; it commanded my life
Even my children's birth - small moments of release
It was so seldom I permitted myself to feel peace

Instead I filled up on suffering and pain
Frankly I cherished the punishment's choking chain
But something kept me from surrendering completely
For that I am grateful - I don't say it discreetly

I never believed in much faith and spiritual matter
To me it seemed like a bunch of empty and boring chatter
How could I believe in a God who didn't grant my request?
When I asked him to take my life in a way he saw best

Instead he watched me sink deeper into the arms of my disease
I couldn't get out - I was trapped in a deep freeze
He must have cried out when he saw my sick soul
So empty and detached - like a huge black hole

But one day towards the end God showed up uninvited
I didn't know it was him - yet, we were clearly united
God was persistent he wouldn't be hushed
He talked through people and I felt a bit rushed

So I came to this church on a Monday night
It was filled with gentle women but all I felt was pure fright
I knew I had absolutely nothing to loose
I could stop on my way home and pick up some booze!

Again and again you women told me my tale
Silently I listened; I think I turned a bit pale
I received the answer without even trying
In this place I would never loose - I found myself crying

My only regret is for not coming before
But fear and shame kept me from entering that door
I left my first meeting with a new peace in my heart
I had visions and great hopes of launching a new start

I carried that strength each step that I took
I found myself reading a very big book
That I wasn't drinking in it self was a wonder
But listen to this and tell me there's no yonder

On the fourth day that followed my first big admission
I received notice that a boy was on a mission
The boy I had left behind wanted to ease his own pain
He wanted closure - I felt instant release of the obsessive chain

This blessing of mine could have never taken place
Had I been drinking and boozing and getting shit faced
I would have scared away this beautiful boy
Who since then has been giving me tremendous joy

Thank God you were here when I entered that door
I feel honored and proud to have washed up on your shore
I am deeply grateful for AA - today I claim my seat
With a song in my heart and a message so sweet

When you are willing and ready so is your God
Open yourself up - let him in - don't ever feel odd
He will stand by you - protect you - show you the way
All you have to do is keep coming - get a sponsor - and pray

You can trust him completely to do the reviving
Think of yourself as no longer driving
Come to meetings, ask for help and don't ever drink
Remember where you came from and try not to think