Jeg fik gjort brevet til Kenny færdigt den anden dag, men sendte det ikke. Havde så tænkt mig at sende det til ham idag så han kunne tænke over det mens jeg var væk i næste uge og så kunne vi snakke om det når jeg kom hjem. Jeg ville dog aller helst snakke med ham i aften, i hvert fald mens han modtog det, og heldigvis loggede han på omkring kl 23.

Først snakkede vi om løst og fast, hvad vi normalt snakker om. Om min tur til Sjælland og besøg hos Jakob og Rasmus og min tur til Rhodos i morgen. Efter ca. 20 min smalltalk på den måde blev jeg nødt til at sige noget omkring brevet. Det var svært, rigtig svært, men fik til sidst sagt at jeg havde skrevet det her brev og at jeg sendte det til ham på mail med det samme.

Brevet er her:
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Hello my dear,

My mind has been running on overtime these past weeks with a lot of thoughts. I've tried to figure them out and I'm not done doing that yet, but I want to share them with you.

First, you have to know that no matter how I write things here I haven't made any decisions yet, all this is just thoughts. And second, I just want to share my thoughts with you, I'm not expecting you to find solutions to it.

I'm beginning to doubt if I/we are making the right decision. Well, in my heart I want to move and start a new life with you on Long Island, but my mind is doubting whether I should do it. I really love you, haven't felt this way about anyone in many years. And you are now such a big part of my life, I don't know how I can live without you, eventhough we have spent most of the last 14 months 4000 miles apart. But somehow I feel more single than with a boyfriend. The "boyfriend-thing" seems more real on paper than in real life. Think about how much time we talk during a week, or how many words we write to eachother in text messages or emails. This is not a relationship.

We haven't spoken to eachother a lot during the last couple of months and I really miss that. I just looked in skype and found out that we have spoken to eachother for less than 14 hours since you were here in May. That's less than 13 minuttes a day. I know we have been better to comunicate in emails too, but that is not the same. And I also know that it is difficult for us to actually find time to talk because it usually gets too late before you're home from work. As I have told you before, I'm not blaming this on you, I'm just telling you that this bothers me more and more. I don't feel so close to you anymore and I feel sad about that. Sometimes when we're on skype there is too much silence between us, as if we don't know what to say to eachother anymore. It used to be different, in the "old days" we never had a problem telling eachother stories about this and that from our past and present. It makes me miss the "old days" and the fun we had together back then.

Because we almost never talk anymore I really feel alone. I go out and do things with my friends to keep me busy and really try not just to sit here and wait for you (or whatever it is I'm waiting for). But, as you probably know, you can be surrounded with friends 24/7 and still feel alone because something is missing in your life, and that's how I feel at the moment.

As you know, I have been living with someone else since I was 17 up until I was 29. I "grew up" in relationships so I know what it's all about. These last 4½ years have been really difficult for me because of that, since I was forced to stand on my own feet without any support in my own home. With you it has been almost the opposite, you have been living in the same house almost all your life without being in any serious relationships. And you are used to living with your brother. How is this going to affect us and our relationship? And what is going to happen if/when I move to Long Island, do I find my own place, do we find a place and move in together, do I simply move in with you and Tommy, or what is going to happen? Is it even possible for us to find a suitable solution we all can live with?

Last year when I made the decission of moving to Long Island it was fairly easy for me to do so. I couldn't find a job and my love life had been approximately non-existing for a long time, I needed something to happen in my life. Then you came along and I fell in love with you, this only helped to back up my decission. Since then a lot of things has happened in my life, including me getting this wonderful job. But the support I need from you to still want to move, is missing more and more. At least that's how I feel. I know that you really care about me and really really want me to come live overthere with you, but you don't always show that. Sometimes I feel you don't care, that what is going on in your life overthere is enough for you. But don't forget I am giving up a lot over here, this is my life and my roots, and it's going to be very difficult for me to leave all this behind. So by "not caring" and not giving me the support I need to keep wanting to do this, you make it easier for me to just stay and get more "attached" to everything here again. The last year I have been trying to let go of things here and make peace with the fact that I will be leaving all this some day. But, honestly, the idea of moving seems further away than it has ever been since I made the decission last spring. And this makes me sad because I know you really want me to come, but I can't help getting these feelings.

And on top of all this I'm also thinking about wheather I can really adjust to a completely different life in America. I know that the Danish and the American society is not that different from eachother but there are some differences. And how will I cope with those, do I easily adjust or is it somewhat difficult for me? Do I adjust so much that I change myself and is that change too much of a change? How is all this going to affect my personality? I know that I don't find answers to these questions by staying her, I have to move to find out how the American society is going to affect me, but still...this is also something I think about.

It's difficult for me to explain in words but I need to share this with you, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. After those seven weeks last summer I felt that my vocabulary was much larger than it had ever been before and it felt good to be able to express myself somewhat close to what was my intention. But now I feel so limited in my language, I really had a difficult time writing all this down. And because of that, I'm sure that I didn't get all my thoughts out exactly as I want, but I need for you to know what I'm dealing with.

I just read the whole thing to myself and you could get the impression that I have given up and don't want to continue anymore. I haven't given up, I'm just so frustrated about our whole situation. What to do and what not to do. How to continue and what the future will bring, for both of us. As I started this letter, I'm not expecting any answers to any of these questions or any solutions to my/our problems, I just need to put some words on my thoughts and frustrations, this is the first step to moving on.

I'm sending you this email because I want to be sure you understand what I'm trying to tell you. And I don't trust my verbal skills (and vocabulary) to be sure of that if we spoke about it on skype. But it's not like I don't want to discuss these things on skype, I just want you to get "inside" my head first, so you somewhat know what is going on in there before we talk.

As you know, I'm going with my family to Greece on Sunday morning. So I was hoping you would just think about some of all this While I'm gone and then we can talk about it when I return.

Jeg elsker dig.
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Lige da han havde læst det var han fuldstændig tavs, forståeligt nok. Han spurgte så forsigtigt om jeg gerne ville snakke om det nu eller om vi skulle vente til jeg kom hjem. Jeg sagde at det var op til ham, så ville han helst nu. Det var hårdt at snakke om og jeg begyndte også at tude ret hurtigt, men er rigtig glad for at vi snakkede i aften og ikke udsatte det til om en uge.

Vi snakkede meget frem og tilbage om de forskellige muligheder vi har og hvad vi hver især føler ved dem. En af de "tunge" var ægteskab, skal/skal ikke, argumenter for og imod. Jeg er for træt til at gengive hele vores samtale nu, men meget kort så er han slet ikke klar til ægteskab nu. Jeg sagde at hvis det var det, der skulle til for at vi kunne være sammen så var jeg klar, men på den anden side ville jeg heller ikke lægge noget som helst pres over på hans skuldre i den forbindelse, det gjorde jeg meget klart overfor ham. Men ud af de 14 måneder vi har været sammen har vi reelt kun været sammen i de 3 af dem. Kan man virkelig bygge et ægteskab på det?

I løbet af den 2 timer lange samtale fortalte han også flere gange, at hvis jeg valgte at trække mig lidt og at vi skulle holde pause/slå op så havde han fuld forståelse for det, for han vidste godt jeg havde været under enormt meget pres det sidste års tid. Han ville selvfølgelig blive ufattelig ked af det, men han ville hellere have at jeg kunne leve med mig selv end at have mig i hans liv for enhver pris.

Vi snakkede også om at alle de her problemer jo intet havde med hinanden at gøre, det er de omstændigheder som vi nu engang sidder i. Den aller største faktor er faktisk tidsforskellen på de 6 timer. Vi elsker hinanden meget højt og hvis vi går fra hinanden eller holder pause så er det ikke pga. den anden person, men pga. vores meget frustrerende situation.

Det var en rigtig god samtale vi havde, kom vidt omkring og fik talt en masse igennem. Og hele tiden kunne vi se at det jo netop ikke har noget med os at gøre, vi er uheldigvis bare 6 tidszoner fra hinanden med meget svære immigrationsvilkår at slås med oveni.

Havde det meget bedre efter at have snakket med ham. Kunne mærke at jeg havde fået luft for alle de frustrationer, der havde hobet sig op igennem de sidste mange uger. Vi var også meget opmærksomme på netop det der med ikke at træffe beslutninger i aften. Det var meget følelsesladet det hele, så vi kunne nemt træffe en "forkert" beslutning på det grundlag. Derfor blev vi enige om at jeg tar på ferie i morgen og prøver at glemme alting lidt, slapper af og får noget sol, nyder livet lidt sammen med familien, og så snakkes vi ved igen i ugen efter jeg kommer hjem. På det tidspunkt skal der nok træffes en eller anden form for beslutning, men hvad og hvordan og sårn har jeg slet ikke lyst (eller evne) til at tænke på nu.

Så nu vil jeg i seng og sove lidt inden jeg skal op igen og afsted. Og så vil jeg nyde min ferie FULDT UD!

Ses...og nyd nu alt det dårlige vejr herhjemme i næste uge, for solen kommer jo tilbage igen så snart jeg kommer hjem igen... he he... ;)